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Friday, February 04, 2005

Student Suspended Over Suspected Use of PHP

One day people will use their brain before applying stupid rules.

Topeka, KS - High school sophomore Brett Tyson was suspended today after teachers learned he may be using PHP.

"A teacher overheard him say that he was using PHP, and as part of our Zero-Tolerance policy against drug use, he was immediately suspended. No questions asked," said Principal Clyde Thurlow. "We're not quite sure what PHP is, but we suspect it may be a derivative of PCP, or maybe a new designer drug like GHB."
Parents are frightened by the discovery of this new menace in their children's school, and are demanding the school do something. "We heard that he found out about PHP at school on the internet. There may even be a PHP web ring operating on school grounds," said irate parent Carol Blessing. "School is supposed to be teaching our kids how to read and write. Not about dangerous drugs like PHP."

In response to parental demands the school has reconfigured its internet WatchDog software to block access to all internet sites mentioning PHP. Officials say this should prevent any other students from falling prey like Brett Tyson did. They have also stepped up locker searches and brought in drug sniffing dogs.

Interviews with students suggested that PHP use is wide spread around the school, but is particularly concentrated in the geeky nerd population. When contacted by, Brett Tyson said, "I don't know what the hell is going on dude, but this suspension gives me more time for fraggin'. Yee haw!"

PHP is a hypertext preprocessor, which sounds very dangerous. It is believed that many users started by using Perl and moved on to the more powerful PHP. For more information on how to recognize if your child may be using PHP visit

Via: Frandt
[Escuchando: Tell Me Baby - Ray Charles - Kissing Her Now (2:37)]


Blogger Basu said...

People who are not net savvy should be isolated from those who are

9:00 AM

Blogger Rev. Dubya said...


The Church of Dysfunction

1:23 PM

Blogger mariposatomica said...

they had to be from Kansas...

3:53 AM

Blogger Jon Langdon said...


--Jon Langdon

5:34 AM

Blogger Jumperless said...


9:21 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I have no idea how to write PHP but I know my site was built on it.

Oh, thanks for the suggestion but the photo you commented on was submitted for Photo Friday: Distorted. Not fixing the lens flair was intentional.

:: Mona ::

3:11 AM

Blogger ennui said...

This was hilarious! CLose-minded people can be so silly sometimes.

11:57 AM

Blogger Aleksu said...

This is freaking hilarious!

Belongs at The Onion.

10:05 PM

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4:55 AM


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